rebel rebel

There's a reason why people look at me and then they quickly assume that I'm like this totally mean person. There's a reason why I choose to stay quiet and not talk to anyone when I'm in a room full of people. There's a reason why I can be really happy-hyper now and then throw a bitch fit minutes later. And there's obviously a reason for a whole lot of things, but yeah, those are reasons why I'm me.


It may seem like something annoying when you have to read someone's rant off the internet, when she publicly makes such a huge deal about something. I get that. But I really can't imagine how people would even bother to read this, so I think I'm allowed to do whatever it is I want. Here..


Everyone always has this ideal self, the person they really want to be or see themselves as. What I find really funny is the fact that I think that I'm this badass rebel chick, but in truth I'm just this really awkward kid who doesn't really know about everything (I think everyone has this amount of awkward self, deep down. They just have their own way of showing it or not showing it).
When it comes to the whole rebel thing I have my own version of what a "rebel" does. Break the rules, do weird shizz, piss off a lot of people, hey funny thing is- I've already done it. I did things my way and hey, other people won't always agree or say yes to me. And sometimes you get tired of the word NO that you do something else to avoid hearing it said to your face. Or is that just me?


I haven't gone all out like runaway from home- even if I did try it many times as a kid, never had I done something so cool and extreme like sneaking out, and I'm too straightedge to join the party crowd and drink drink drink. I'm just me. And I am my own version of what being a rebel is all about.


I can cut class, but for a lame reason like being late for school because commuting to Manila from where I live is such a hassle not everyone knows about. I can visit my friends from other colleges, find the time to just go there without asking permission just because I know my way around. I can stay out late and just say I've got a project to finish (in my defense, everyone uses this excuse). But I can't always do everything.


Like dye my hair pink. Eat burritos everyday. Watch concerts of my favorite bands. Paint the wall in my room. Learn how to dance. Play soccer seriously again. Tell my crush I heart him so much. And play the ukelele.


These may seem superfluous, childish things- materialistic even? But there are times I hate my parents so much, even if I love them 'cause le duh they're my parents. There are times when I just don't want to leave my bed and just stay married to it forevs. There are times when I look back on our stupid, crazy, sabaw conversations and still think, Wow. I really heart you. Why are we still not together? It's destiny and we're soulmates... There are times when I will listen to MyChem's complete discography on repeat, headphones blaring out Gerard and quietly cry 'cause I'm an emotional wreck. And there are times when I will not talk to you just because you're an asshole, just because it feels like you guys don't give a shit. And yeah, because you're an asshole.


So yeah. Completely pointless teenage angst drama bomb right there. I may not look like your typical, exact description of an emo kid- complete with using up of a month's supply of eyeliner, Tim Burton inspired outfits and a worn out pair of chucks (oh my god, I just remembered. I went through an emo phase and put on eyeliner everyday, even when we weren't allowed to wear make up back in high school. And dammit there is picture evidence of me in my MCR getups, back when I believed I was the lovechild of Gerard Way and Frank Iero, and was the niece of Patrick Stump and Pete Wentz. Shit), but it does not change the fact that, yeah it's true, I am such a misunderstood person. And it sometimes takes forever for me to see the bigger picture, because I'm more focused on being selfish until I end up regretting my bad decisions.


I'm sorry. 


- :(




p.s.
Couldn't end with a >:), just feel so much :(