June 30

I’m tired. I want to forget everything if I could. It’s not me hating on someone. It’s just me being tired of getting hurt. I’m tired of always having to act like I’m okay, that everything’s just a joke. But it’s not.

It’s really hard to forget someone who you thought was an important part of your life. That every waking moment you had you’d rather spend with that person. It may sound silly, stupid, crazy… but it happened. I’d like to believe that everyone goes through this stage. This stage of the like. Where I’d wait for that person to greet me good morning, to text me. Wait for that occasional call. Where sometimes we’d hang out on our free time. Sometimes I’d get the most random things from that person. We’d go on “adventures”. We'll watch something together, and we wouldn't have to be in the same room to do it. Also we’d just sit at one of our hangouts, and just do nothing but talk about life in general. It was nice, you know. Having someone care, having someone make you feel that you were worth spending so much amount of time for.

It may have seemed like a wonderful thing, something that was actually special. In truth it wasn’t. I was just blinded by how everything seemed to be so dazzling and beautiful when I looked at what we did in that light.

Like for example, how sneaking around became thrilling and exciting. It wasn’t any of that at all. It was supposed to be scary, twisted and wrong. But somehow my brain kept telling me, hey this just seems like a movie. Oh hey, this is really different- this is great.

Like every time we’d try to get away, or find a way to meet in secret, unconsciously I thought it was something that all the Disney films I’ve ever watched made me consider that hey, this just seems like another adventure. That this is love. This is me being with a prince or whatever.

Whatever.

In my subconscious it was something good, fun- something that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Instead of feeling grossed out and disgusted with myself, my brain just made my body do the exact opposite. Actually made me enjoy it- made me think I should. It was far too late before I realized the damage I’ve done, not only to myself, but to everything else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today is June 30, 2012. I don’t know if that person remembers it, but last year, on the same day, this was the first time we actually ever got to talk. Nothing serious. It was just the day he started to text me. It’s so weird how it’s already been a year since that happened. I’d like to say that I’m not affected by this, but if I did then I wouldn’t be saying the entire truth.

It's been a year, but even if things did change somethings still remain no matter how I try not to think about it that way. That Adventure Time will be and would always be our show (I told him first about it). Where I'd still think about that person whenever I watched Captain America, it was the first movie we watched together. How fries was our favorite food. That the 9th floor of this building was like our secret meet-up place and the 2nd floor of this other building was a hangout I stole from him- 'cause I called dibs. That he stole my first kiss at the library. And then I slapped him because I was saving if for someone else. That Marry Me was his song that made him think of me, while Stigmatize would be my song that would make me think of him. That when I see a watermelon I'd remember the name of our fruit-child: Bruce. That there were awkward silences, that lead to awkward hand holding sessions, that lead to embarrassing moments we'd laugh off. Or car rides that always seemed so short and sometimes I just didn't want to go down. And there was this one time, during the typhoon season, he texted me asking if his "asawa" was okay.

They're just stupid things. Things I'd rather forget. Things that shouldn't be special, at all, but somehow became what they are now. Even if it does seem stupid, they did mean something before. Maybe they still mean something else now, I'm just not sure what. There are a lot of other things, but I can't seem to remember them. 

Maybe before the complications of liking someone, before the weirdness of it all, just maybe we could have been really good friends- best friends even. Because that was how it started. Maybe for me. For that person, I really have no idea. I’d like to say that somehow I do miss that person, that a part of me still does, despite everything. Miss the person he was with me, when I was around and no one else. I’d like to think that somehow I made this real difference to this person who maybe didn’t care at all, and just saw me as something else.

But maybe it’s just my brain telling me the exact opposite of what I should do. 

Whatever.