February 22, 2018
Thursday
2:31 AM Thoughts
I’m brought back to last Saturday. You said our timing was off. I stand by what I said, that the universe has been good to us.
The universe has been so good to the both of us.
But.
But maybe, just maybe. I’ve been right all along. I’m not blaming you, or everyone else who thought they liked or loved me for the matter, but I think signs point to the fact that I make people unsure of themselves, less assertive of the way they fall in like with me. It’s so easy for people to admit they have crushes on me, or that I appeal to their nature and curiosity, but that’s all there is to it.
It’s an accidental rush, you don’t know, can’t understand what just hit you that you can’t do anything but blurt out, “I love you.” instead of saying what’s really going on in your mind, like, “What the hell is happening to me? What the hell did you do?”
It was all an accident. A mistake. A bump in your path. Don’t worry, that’s all there is to it.
Because maybe,
Just maybe that’s the kind of romantic love I inspire from others. A shy love, a scared love, an anxious love, an “I’m not ready for you yet” love, an “I don’t want people to know I like you” love, a “nasasakal ako sa’yo” love, an “I don’t have to tell you or act on how I really feel” love.
All these types of love that can easily fade away. Temporary.
Liking me is the usual, loving me isn’t mandatory. Hit and run, every single time.
There’s something about being in love with me that makes them so ashamed they need to hide our love, or worse.
Leave.
And how I wish I knew why.
I can’t change even if I tried, even if I wanted to, because no one has told me yet, this secret that everyone else but I know.
I am the unlucky one. The fool. The idiot.
But.
This is who I am, this is how I love. With all I can give, with all of my human heart can show, charging forward relentlessly, taking every risk, going that extra mile, running, never walking, always towards you. Because I believe everyone needs to feel loved the way I love wholeheartedly, extra, with 120% of me.
It’s tiring. But I won’t stop.
I won’t stop. But it’s never enough.
I don’t know what else to give. I don’t know how to change their minds.
What more can I do so that I can just stand right next to you? Please, tell me what should I have done so that I can still stand right next to you?
Because if loving you means you fading away, you waking up from a dream you thought was love, you leaving me behind?
Then I don’t want to love you.
But.
But I’m coming to terms with these facts now.
That maybe, just maybe, that’s all I’m meant for. That my love is just good enough to inspire a one week love, a forgetful love, a hidden love, an unrequited love, an “I can only tell you how I really feel when I’m drunk on a Sunday” love, an “I’ll outgrow you like all the others” love, a “Nobody has to know” love.
Nobody needs to know, love.
Because I am but a phase. A boss level in someone else’s life game. Overcome me and you’re guaranteed a future towards lifelong happiness and success, where true love awaits all those who venture here. It’s waiting for you, you only need to leave me behind to achieve it.
No one ever picks me.
I am the one left behind.
I am but the day in someone’s yesterday, already forgotten.
I am the person you thought you were in love with. But you grow up, move on, taking every love I ever gave you with you and away from me.
Wendy, I am your Peter Pan, please open the window. Can’t you hear me, I’m calling out your name?
But.
But I guess, that’s what my love is.
It’s like a fairytale. A story. A short one.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s strong. So strong no one knows what to do with it.
It’s like a fantasy, a dream you have when you’re about to wake up, and when you do only remember traces of this love but later forget the important bits that kept you in the dream in the first place.
My love is all of these things.
And above all, my love is fleeting.
It’s the love you need when you need it the most. It’s the love that might heal you.
Or not.
So whatever happens, whatever might have happened, I know I made someone feel so good about themselves, no matter how short. So good they forget me and leave me behind. Healed and then, the pursuit of happiness leading away from me.
Now begs the question.
Should I have chased after you instead?
No comments:
Post a Comment