r e c o v e r y: day 5

February 22, 2018

Thursday

2:31 AM Thoughts

I’m brought back to last Saturday. You said our timing was off. I stand by what I said, that the universe has been good to us.

The universe has been so good to the both of us.

But.

But maybe, just maybe. I’ve been right all along. I’m not blaming you, or everyone else who thought they liked or loved me for the matter, but I think signs point to the fact that I make people unsure of themselves, less assertive of the way they fall in like with me. It’s so easy for people to admit they have crushes on me, or that I appeal to their nature and curiosity, but that’s all there is to it.

It’s an accidental rush, you don’t know, can’t understand what just hit you that you can’t do anything but blurt out, “I love you.” instead of saying what’s really going on in your mind, like, “What the hell is happening to me? What the hell did you do?”

It was all an accident. A mistake. A bump in your path. Don’t worry, that’s all there is to it.

Because maybe,

Just maybe that’s the kind of romantic love I inspire from others. A shy love, a scared love, an anxious love, an “I’m not ready for you yet” love, an “I don’t want people to know I like you” love, a “nasasakal ako sa’yo” love, an “I don’t have to tell you or act on how I really feel” love.

All these types of love that can easily fade away. Temporary. 

Liking me is the usual, loving me isn’t mandatory. Hit and run, every single time.

There’s something about being in love with me that makes them so ashamed they need to hide our love, or worse. 

Leave.

And how I wish I knew why.

I can’t change even if I tried, even if I wanted to, because no one has told me yet, this secret that everyone else but I know.

I am the unlucky one. The fool. The idiot.

But.

This is who I am, this is how I love. With all I can give, with all of my human heart can show, charging forward relentlessly, taking every risk, going that extra mile, running, never walking, always towards you. Because I believe everyone needs to feel loved the way I love wholeheartedly, extra, with 120% of me. 

It’s tiring. But I won’t stop. 

I won’t stop. But it’s never enough. 

I don’t know what else to give. I don’t know how to change their minds.

What more can I do so that I can just stand right next to you? Please, tell me what should I have done so that I can still stand right next to you?

Because if loving you means you fading away, you waking up from a dream you thought was love, you leaving me behind?

Then I don’t want to love you.

But.

But I’m coming to terms with these facts now.

That maybe, just maybe, that’s all I’m meant for. That my love is just good enough to inspire a one week love, a forgetful love, a hidden love, an unrequited love, an “I can only tell you how I really feel when I’m drunk on a Sunday” love, an “I’ll outgrow you like all the others” love, a “Nobody has to know” love.

Nobody needs to know, love.

Because I am but a phase. A boss level in someone else’s life game. Overcome me and you’re guaranteed a future towards lifelong happiness and success, where true love awaits all those who venture here. It’s waiting for you, you only need to leave me behind to achieve it. 

No one ever picks me. 

I am the one left behind. 

I am but the day in someone’s yesterday, already forgotten. 

I am the person you thought you were in love with. But you grow up, move on, taking every love I ever gave you with you and away from me. 

Wendy, I am your Peter Pan, please open the window. Can’t you hear me, I’m calling out your name? 

But.

But I guess, that’s what my love is. 

It’s like a fairytale. A story. A short one.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s strong. So strong no one knows what to do with it.

It’s like a fantasy, a dream you have when you’re about to wake up, and when you do only remember traces of this love but later forget the important bits that kept you in the dream in the first place. 

My love is all of these things.

And above all, my love is fleeting.

It’s the love you need when you need it the most. It’s the love that might heal you.

Or not.

So whatever happens, whatever might have happened, I know I made someone feel so good about themselves, no matter how short. So good they forget me and leave me behind. Healed and then, the pursuit of happiness leading away from me. 

Now begs the question.

Should I have chased after you instead? 

We'll Carry On

When I found out about My Chemical Romance disbanding, it came as an utter shock.

Once again, it is by my phone that my world view is rocked. And rocked to the core it was.

I received the news through a text message from a close friend and fellow die hard of the band. Unlike her, I was unprepared for what I was about to read.
I was at the hospital because my youngest brother had inguinal hernia (don't google it unless you have an iron stomach) and access to the internet was the least of my concerns. So when I get the 'IT'S FVCKING OVER' text message, I didn't really know what to believe in anymore.

Probably a few weeks ago, I little birdie told me that her connections told her that My Chem was going to have a concert here in the Philippines. So you can only just imagine how I felt that day. I was saving up for a concert, instead, the separation of my favorite band in the entire world happened.

Saturday, I was on a denial high, I just couldn't accept it. The band had been around for twelve years. I barely knew them when their 3rd album came out. So if I do the math right, give or take I had at least seven years investment in the band I recognized as the one that saved my life.

That was their slogan, that was the banner they held high and marched and carried on in their fictional Black Parade. "This band will save your life", from awkward interview answer to personal lifeline. Those were the words that I held on to and gave as an excuse to everyone who looked down on me and my taste in music. After My Chemical Romance? There was no turning back.

This was the band that really got me into music. This is the band that inspired the weirdest themed outfits from me and the ugliest haircuts. This is the band that allowed me to sing out loud and not care about what people would think. This is the band that said, "you are not alone" and made me believe.

While everyone saw death and dark themes, I saw never forgetting that life was precious and you never know what's going to happen to you. Me and everyone else who listened to My Chem's music knew this. Whether they were part of the MCRmy or were just fans of the music, it didn't matter. We understood every chord, every drum beat, every screeching vocal, every line, every song. It was like everyone who was ever misunderstood, who was ever made fun of finally had someone- had something that stood by them and made it feel like someone really, truly believed in them.


I have to stop here before I start bursting into tears at the thought that there will no longer be new music to look forward to. That I will never get to experience listening to a new album straight for the first time, probably ever. That I never got to watch them live in concert and that in my head I always thought, "There's always next time".

There probably is no next time, and no matter how many times I wished they'd pull a Fall Out Boy three years from now and just make the world a better place with a new album and the promise of touring in my country? It's not going to happen just because I want it to.

The band, the members, the family- they all have different lives now compared to when they were trying to make it out there. They all have their wives and their children and their new projects and comics and music of their own to make. I assume that being in a band was holding them back from their new lives and things that were "more" important than the fans.

But it never really is over. And it's not really the end.

I have a piece of the band in me, and so does everyone else who's been a huge fan, or even those who just know one song, or even those who are only in it because of the physical attributes of certain members.

As Gerard Way put out there, "My Chemical Romance is not a band, it's an idea". The very idea that kick started concept albums and these moving, over the top concept music videos. The same idea that started these great comics and artworks. The idea that saved lives and helped other people realize just how beautiful they were in an ugly world. It just goes on and on and on.

And I can spout references and quote songs all day long, but if I learned anything from this band, if they left me with the great secrets of the universe? It would be the following...


1.) YOU ARE NOT ALONE
- this is a fact of life. And whether I feel lonely in a crowded room, or even a stranger to my own family, I know that someone out there is just like me and I know I'm not the only one.

2.) DISENCHANTED WILL MAKE EVERYTHING 1000 TIMES BETTER
- if you don't believe me, try listening to the song before you're about to do something you're afraid of, or if you're about to do something spectacular. Trust me, it's not just the lyrics, it's not just the music. The song is magic and it will help you get through anything. Job interviews, a tournament, a test, LIFE. Tried and tested, I promise.

3.) "YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE COOL. SO STOP TRYING"
- these words hit me, and it really struck deep. Gerard probably meant that he didn't have to be anyone but himself, but it can also mean that he really thought that he was uncool. Either way, when you really think about it, even if it's beyond the valley of cliche. This was the truth and you better start believing it. You don't need to try to impress anyone, or to prove anything to people you don't even know. Everyone's awkward in their own right, in their own way. But your insecurities shouldn't bring you down.
You can only ever be yourself, so start believing in yourself and get blown away at how awesome it is to just be you and no one else.


4.) "AND REMEMBER WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MCR SAYS START A FVCKING BAND"
- from crazy guitarist to moving writer, Frank never ceases to amaze me. Take that leap of faith, and just do what makes you happy. Create, inspire, save the world.


I will miss Ray's crazy hair and mad guitar skillz, Frank's ability to do crazy guitar tricks and not break anything, Mikey's 360 degree change from that guy with glasses to the hot Way brother, Bob for being so cool even when he left and the song he wrote that went, "Oh Gerard you make my heart burn", and everyone who was part of the My Chem family. Other musicians + techs + bodyguards + roadie guys + wives and kids and supportive relatives included. I will miss all of them, everyone who had a part in the twelve years of this band, this family.
But most of all, I will miss my idol: that awkward geek to 9/11 survivor to stage diva to comic book artist to guy with Ronald McDonald's hair to husband to dad to Party Poison to the guy who saved my life.

Thank you.

"Aim for savior and end up being rad"

- >:)

11:59 PM

I wish you said:

I'M PROUD OF YOU

, instead of:

NO. TELL THEM, THANK YOU, BUT I WILL NOT BE A PART OF IT BECAUSE MY PARENTS SAID SO.

Thank you for the 18 years of my life. You're the best.

My heart gut.

- :(

do some damage

Or maybe damage control.

There are just some things that you just want to keep to yourself. Like you get over-protective because it's just that special and you just want to preserve whatever makes it that special. I get so selfish sometimes without me realizing it, not until I'm thinking it. It makes me feel like a child, a spoiled one, all grabby hands and an annoying voice to go with the usual, "It's mine mine miiiiiiiiine".

I think. I think I'll stop sharing things with you. You get annoying when you think you just know everybody. Or maybe it's just jealousy. I don't know.

Either way, I don't want others to go on claiming this and that. And that. I'll keep my mouth shut for the mean time. Sad times and over-thinking do not mix. There are just a lot of hurts and thoughts of betrayal.

I'm sorry. I'm being mean. But sometimes it gets that bad.

Yes. I think I'd rather keep some things to myself. For now.

But not the music. Never the music. I believe that's something that has to be shared.

- >:)

It's not the end of the world as we know it

When the world doesn't end tomorrow (notice that it's not if but when), I hope all those who've resigned themselves that tomorrow was going to be a "way out for them"? Won't feel so bad that they'd have to live again trying.

Bad things happen all the time. When people break up, the world doesn't explode, even if some people think it's the end for them. It just doesn't. Doesn't work that way. We just keep on living.

And then eventually die, but that comes later. Or if you were that unlucky you'd have met an accident and ended your life just like that.

So if you're thinking, let's party because the world ends tomorrow? That's sad. Really. Because you should be saying this everyday: party because we're still alive and who knows what will happen tomorrow. Not just because the Mayans or anyone tells you that the world is ending. Everyday is ending, and then tomorrow happens. And if you're lucky the next day, and the next day and the next.

~

I'm pretty optimistic about next year. That's why we have a new year, it's to start things over. Get better. Try harder.

Moping about how stupid I feel, or about me not really trying hard enough? I'm really tired about that part of myself. The one that makes excuses for every single thing, rather than just accepting and actually doing something about it. Maybe I'm only saying that right now and then end up giving up in the middle and reverting back to my old ways. It may happen, but it hasn't.

Why am I being so sentimental? I got a new planner.

I've given up on my DIY planners, but only for next term. I want to try something new.

I bought a Slate 2013 planner. Here's me, crossing fingers that I don't stop using it. Like how my failure- the 2012 Filed planner- has been left unused and forgotten after the month of February. It never  even made it to the end of the school year. Tsk, such a waste really. And I was so excited about it too because of it's doodle friendly trademark. I expect too much.

So I pledge to actually "live creatively", not just with the planner- for the love of Gerard. My life's been pretty blegh, and it's my fault. I can't blame my parents' conservative views and their over-protectiveness. I blame my being a coward, for being too awkward with other people, and worst of all, for always, always over-thinking. I've been keeping people at an arm's length thinking things that haven't happened yet. It's all in the mind, it's all in my mind and it's really a pathetic way of thinking. Is it, what is it. Neurotic? I don't even know, man. It's already too weird, even for me. And I have to do something about it. Because waiting for people to accept me, or to fix me? That's not always going to happen.

I feel friendships drifting apart, and I haven't done anything about it. Maybe just watch as the world moves on without me and just let these great relationships with people slip through my fingers without them even happening.

I thought that the world was ugly- that it is ugly. Maybe it's a mess I have to clean up by myself.

Hey.

- >:)

I’ll be the one who drives you home tonight

Hi, I haven't seen you in awhile. How have you been?

Me? Oh, I've been feeling like a Hilera song for the past weeks. High fives all around if you get my awesome OPM reference. Not only have I been busy studying to fail my exams, but I've been feeling quite stupid because I'm surrounded by people who are crazy smart, and honestly? I just don't even care anymore. Okay, so maybe I do, but only because I don't want to fail any of my classes. And I just want this term to end. 

I've made a list of things I want to do before the year ends, nothing special or crazy like my Things To Do for 2012 List. Just stuff I want to do by myself or with other people. 

I want to stay up reading and listening to music, buried in my pillows and my blanket fort. I want to walk the streets of Manila until I find a vintage camera I've been looking for. Or a food trip, a Binondo food trip. I want to have a date with my baby brother, and maybe eat fries, drink milk tea with him and read him comics. I want to attend a GRRRL SCOUT MNL Boot Camp, just one before the year ends. I want to feel the sweater weather and wear boots everyday. I also want to get lost now now now.

But sadly, there's still so much to do before the school year officially comes to a close. I still have exams and papers to pass and as always- it's as if I have so little time.

I hope everyone's getting into the Christmas spirit. I know I am, even if I haven't made my annual letter to Santa yet. 

I hope you've also seen Rise of the Guardians already. The movie is so brilliant. I love eveything about it! I love how they designed all the characters, the cinematography, even the music was so gaaaahhh- amazing! And Jack Frost? Jack Frost made my heart burn.... freeze? 

I miss my camera. I've been looking at my old photos from last year, and it's sad that I can't post them here because I've used up all my memory space for pictures or something. Sigh.

I love the new song of My Chem. Okay, so technically it isn't really a new song, it's actually one of the many songs they didn't release. Until now. Conventional Weapons which features 10 unheard songs from the band, and they'll be releasing two songs for the next five months. I think it's really rad that they decided to put it out on vinyl as well and God knows how much I'd want all five LPs. I think it's sad that the first two are already sold out. Does anyone know where I can still order them tho?

Anyways, I think it's cool that they're allowing their fans to get a glimpse of their songs, songs that they never thought they could release in their old albums. Listen to the song Ambulance, which is the A-Side track from Number Two. For me it has the same effect Disenchanted had for me, or maybe even My Way Home Is Through You. But yeah, mostly Disenchanted. It's the song that calmed me down before a test, a song I'd listen to when I feel so down and the song I'd listen to whenever I'm about to embark on uncharted territory and I'd just feel better about being me. I've been listening to it on repeat. A way to clear my head with everything that's been going on with school lately.

I hope you're looking forward to the Christmas vacation as much as I am.

- >:)

Soupy

School shizz + trying to cram a lifetime of psychology knowledge + masterbaking + waking up + going  home late late + laundry + multi-tasking + looking for new music = the slow death of one Arielle Sindac.

It's amazing that I'm still standing and haven't keeled over from all the stress overload. Also I am amazed that I haven't started packing my runaway from home bag from all the exams I've been failing. I seriously don't know how le smart people do it? Like for someone in a slightly above average IQ it takes a lot of study crazy effort just for me to actually cram stuff inside my brain. And then when the actual test comes my brain just dies from trying to recall all that information. So yeah, I've been failing exams for my major subjects. It's that bad.

I remember back in grade school when I resigned myself to the fact that I will always get line of 7 grades. It's the thought that hey, I'll never get to be smart, I'll never get passing grades for my parents' standards no matter how hard I try. I got content with just seeing my almost passing grades. That "failing" wasn't bad at all. But the thing is- the sad thing is- that was almost 10 years ago. It was a very, very long time ago.

Aaaaand it doesn't help that I'm in college. And I'm sucking in a bad way.

I'm too busy to a point that I can't even vent out in my personal space of the internet. S darn busy that I don't even have the patience to upload pictures for memory's sake. I'm just too blegh all the time. And so very tired. The only thing that gets me going is the thought that I still have to step it up when it comes to my school work and that it's almost Christmas vacation. Meaning it's almost Christmas. Le duh.

Also this afternoon I got a sad slap to the face by reality. It hurt so baaaad.

It was all because I was flicking through channels when me and a couple of friends were watching awhile ago. And I apparently I was the only one who still watched "stupid" cartoons. It just so happened that The Amazing World of Gumball was on CN and I was all, "Yeaaahhh!" and they were all, "Oh my god you still watch this show? How old are you?" What made it even more sad was that they didn't even understand how to "watch" the show. They were asking questions like all the time, and most of the time I was thinking that they were indirectly making me fun of me. But whatevs, man. Sheesh. You just watch and like laugh at the parts that were funny (which meant the whole time) and not have to get anything.

You just watch. But they didn't get it. So I had to change the channel. 

Because I was a ninja and ninjas put other people's happiness first.

- >:)

p.s.

I'm sorry for being soupy all the time. Sometimes I feel bad because I feel like I'm surrounded by people who are not-stupid but don't know how to laugh at the simple- kid things.

tired

I'm so used to not sleeping during regular hours. I'd probably call it a night when it was already too late for that, because it was already morning. It's weird how I don't sleep when I'm supposed to, but get so sleepy when I have to stay awake. Gaaahh. School shizz.

Today, I was supposed to buy a lightsaber. The LRT died on me and I was forced to take a jeep home. The trip made me realize one thing... It's that I love the LRT. That no matter how I feel like a sardine in a can, when it smells like butt and armpit late at night and when dudes don't give up their seat to the weirdo with huge glasses just because she doesn't look like she's off female descent? You really cannot find a faster way to commute from point A to B. I think my butt died from sitting down for so long. If I'm correct, it took almost 2 hours just to get home. Whenever I rode the train it took me 45 minutes tops from Roosevelt to Vito Cruz. I will never complain again.

Unless someone kills herself by jumping off the platform and getting run over by a train.

The only reason I wasn't dying of boredom was because I sorta kidnapped someone's best dude friend, just so that I wouldn't be by myself when I commuted home. I also got to "DJ" for the night and have my own special show called: SAWI SPECIAL. I had a special guest named The Hamster. And he was the best air drummer ever.

The trip was long and hard, and the traffic made it worse. But I got to pick songs for le broken hearted boys who can't seem to move on. Good guys always get burned so bad. Why them Lord? Whyyy? They're so adorable and such cuties? Why make them suffer?

The Hamster was a good sport. Also he didn't hate me when I made the biggest fail I could ever make: Playing Mr. Brightside and then suddenly turning the song into You and Me. Seriously. Arielle, seriously? If I did that on air I was screwed for life.

So yeah. It was too late to get a lightsaber since it was almost 9 in the evening when I got home. I'm really psyched for tomorrow, but the lightsaber was supposed to help me get Ate points. Oh well, I guess my Jake the Bag will have to do.

The universe is conspiring something. I can feel it.

Or maybe it's being a dear and not making me spend moolah. Hmmm...

- >:)

we're the kids you used to love, but then we grew old

I need to be Marshall Lee.

Seriously. I need to be all smooth, gwapo. And badass. And .... yeah. Marshall Lee. Basically, a vampire.

It's 'cause I just got this really cool Starbucks package. And I'm all kilig inside. Seriously.

I can't believe I just went vegan, I'm regretting it so much right now. Dude, Arielle. Come on. I have nothing else to do, but be more affectionate and so cheesy that they'll have to put me in a Greenwich commercial.

Also this is me. Being vain with my Starbucks package from someone who makes my heart burn. By the way... his name rhymes with Gerard.

 Le Lumpy Space Princess note ♥ Which I gave him :>

I am seriously a happy carrot

I need to put all the food I can't eat in the fridge and eat it .... 30 days from now. Also I have to drink the "fake milk" soon. But I can't seem to open le package. This is so special and sacred right now.

On Saturday I will make a shirt. A TEAM shirt. You have been warned.

- >:)

it's tough to be a guy

I've always openly proclaimed about me being part girl and all. But who am I really as dude!Arielle? I can't really put myself in a certain stereotype because I'm not really sure there's a dude category for my  uncool weirdness. So I guess there is nothing to do but be Arielle. Ninja Arielle. Ninja carrot mermaid Arielle.

But even if I can be a dude in a relationship, I've never actually been a dude in a relationship with another dude. Yeah. A dude.

I'm dead serious when it comes to matters of the heart. I just don't like people to feel like they're all alone in this world, okay? I will give people so much attention to a point that it gets annoying. I will be all up in their faces and giving them hugs and baked goods. And if people actually have the guts to ask me out or say, "hey, we're dating" then I'll get real serious of how I'm going to be towards you. Even if you're a dude, a girl or like the ugliest person ever. I'm like Olive Penderghast. With the actual dating and being in a relationship... and yeah. Because I will not be the goody bag in your pity party, I'll be the one dancing like an idiot and trying to make you laugh like one too.

Maybe it's just a joke and maybe telling a person that they're dating was this random thing just for laughs. Wrong move dude. I'm going to smother you. You will find me so darn annoying for trying to be the perfect dude for you. I will stand outside your house holding a boombox over my head- speakers blasting your favorite pop song, I will write you letters and bake for you, I will make covers of your fave songs and tell you you're beautiful. As a ninja it is my mission to make people happy, and to make the people I heart even happier.

Today I've already made cupcakes and bought really cute stationary. But it's like it's not enough. It's not that I'm running out of ideas, but when you're trying to show someone affection you just really want to bring out your A game. You want to be that guy. I want to be that romantic badass dude that all the ladies seem to dream about. That dude with the hair and the rep, but he'll go as far as sneaking in through your bedroom window with his guitar just to sing you to sleep. I can't play the guitar, but I will try just for you dude. Just for you.

So yeah. Not running out of ideas, but it was real funny when I kept asking people on how they'll go about serenading or courting someone. Their answers were just so romantic and maybe some were kind of impossible. Seeing as in this situation of being a dude I can't really be a dude because of ... yeah.

Also learned something from my Ate. She said that all the dudes she's read about from shoujo manga were dudes that were jerks, cruel and badass in that smoldering way. And that the girls never really do get the guy. She has to wait around for the guy to realize that she's the one, and then he finally stops being a douchebag to her. After what a zillion chapters? The girl had to wait around for her prince charming to turn around. Sheesh. Why are guys so mean?

I will never be mean to you. Just so you know.

I am making another TEAM shirt. It's to express my heart for you. It will probably creep you out. But deep inside, I know you're really kilig.

What makes a real guy kilig, anyway?

Boobs. Nice.


- >:)

Adventurin': Ang Nawawala (What Went Missing)

Being able to start the new term right was what I had planned for my Wednesday. New term, new subjects and a whole lot of educational shizz coming my way. Actually, I was really inspired to do even better for the second term. It's so not me, but it must be done. After 14 years of being a student, I have finally achieved one success that my parents can start to use as a bragging right. I don't want to let them down. That and they pay for my tuition. Crossing my fingers that my hardworking student vibe lasts longer than just a few days. I can hear Gerard Way and Bert McCracken belching out the lyrics to Under Pressure. Le gasp.

So hello, Wednesday. And what a way to start the first day of the second term by going to school early? I actually laughed when I was at the LRT station before 7. So was not used to the early. I had fantastic plans and it involved getting to have brunch with my babe :> This was going to be a thing! With me fetching her, eating brunch together. Every school day. Until the end of the term. Forever and ever, please? 

Theeeen insert school shizz here. With me actually volunteering to be a beadle for a class, what is with me? This good student streak better get me plus points. Gahaha, I wish. And the cool thing about first days is that classes get dismissed earlier than usual. So got to have another up of hot chocolate after my first class. Second class of the day was . I think I may actually survive the subject since the prof we got is the coolest. It's got to be the glasses and the crisp white long sleeves, complete with the tie. You gotta love a dude who's all dressed up :> Awww shiizzz, don't want another teacher crush. Arielle! Come on! Making I ♥ INSERT SOMEONE'S NAME HERE shirts are going to be so darn hard since I've lost my silk screen printing skillz. Also I think Sir Dave's suffered enough from my fangirling and I don't want to have anymore strange conversations with teachers. Emman calls it "flirting"- that douche, but I call it "me having a creative discussion over grammar problems". Even if it was a conversation where we talked about hotdogs. Yeah..

Last class of the day was so darn awesome. What's better than first day classes ending early? Free cuts! Free cut! Free cut! Could my day get any better? It was like the skies were opening up, the universe wasn't conspiring with me that day, and I got to hang with my H3O bros. Freaking in from all the coolness radiating off my hipster boy and his new haircut. He looked so darn smooth, but he kept complaining about all the stares he got that day. I had to keep reassuring him that all the stares just showed how awesome he looked, and that people were looking at him because he looked so darn cool. They were all just jelly. But it still didn't stop him from asking if he looked okay every 5 seconds. Please people, please stop giving him weird stares. You're making him feel awkward about himself, even with his I don't give a funion attitude. Also it gives us something to laugh about, because you random person who can't keep your eyes away, or doesn't know how to be subtle at staring? You... look so weird, your staring look does not become you.

So where were we? Oh yes, bonding with my best guys. Missed them so much over the "term break". Got to eat lunch with H3O dudes, we tried out the fried rice from this new stall that opened at Agno. I think I died because of the croquettes. They were so good, but I wished they were a heck load bigger. My Monday and Wednesday schedule had an early dismissal so I could have lunch with the both of them if my last class ended early. If not, then there's always Rectorizer. He needs company, especially when he orders food for three people. He needs us around to make him not look like much of a pig. Why were my boys so insecure? I was so right about a dude's sensibilities.

I was talking about fantastic plans and September 12 not only marked the start of another school term. It was also the premiere of the movie Ang Nawawala outside of Cinemalaya. I've been geeking out over this indie film ever since I heard about it. I really thought that the story was so different from the default plots of local movies. Not only was the title not from a song, how the movie wasn't going to be some rom-com with a predictable plot, plus the actors who were cast for this movie weren't based on how good looking they were. ALSO this indie film wasn't gay. Just saying.

Ang Nawawala teaser poster

A lot of people really wanted to see this film, so I'm sure a lot of fans were so happy when this came out:

I already marked September 12 on my calendar. Nothing was going to get in my way- I was going to watch this film no matter what. Another reason why I wanted to watch this movie so bad was because I got so interested in seeing how the Gibbs x Enid would go. I was a shipper since watching the trailer and when I saw pictures of the two of them. This was my first heterosexual pairing that I shipped since forever! I've been turned off from straight pairings because I've been messed up by manga. I'm so sorry I'm weird, but girl and guy pairings just made me barf. Unless it was Koibumi Biyori love teams, in my head a guy and dude look so much better together. Do I need proof of how messed up my brain works? I am a firm believer that Sasuke and Naruto are meant to be, that their ninja ways and genders just makes their love(-hate) even stronger! It's the obstacles that people make for love that make the love so beautiful. It's the thought that they may never be together in the end that just brings tears to your eyes. In my head this is the scenario:

Naruto: I will never stop running after you!
Sasuke: *kilig inside* I will kill you.

Because Sasuke is such a girl and he secretly wants Naruto to chase after him. If you don't believe me, I will gladly give you my theories on why SasuNaru exists and is not just a manga strategy to get girls to read shounen manga. I will be a spazz, but after you listen to me I swear to Gerard you will come out a believer.

Went off topic, but Enid's character for the film just screamed badass hipster chick. And Gibbs was that awkward guy. So in my head they were so meant to be. They had really good chemistry, and this picture where they let the other listen to their music is just beautiful.

Gibbs x Enid ♥

Enid, whose style I was really digging. I need black stockings and moar dresses.

So after lunch and bringing people to class, I set off to meet up with mah Eytchpiiiii. We were supposed to go on a date since we met up last Monday. I've been spazzing to her about how this movie was going to be DABOMB. Also dragged homie!Diego along. Made plans to watch this movie with him ever since he told me that they were showing the film on September 12. I'm shizz at google-fu when it comes to finding out about local schedules.

We decided to watch the movie at SM Manila, so here we are- me and Diego sitting on the floor. Waiting for my HP to arrive at Central station. I heart last minute decisions and being spontaneous. I was also starting a career in being a bad influence on this dude who was 10 days younger than me. Tsk, tsk.

Fork youuuuu. Y U keep messing up my laces, man??

This was going to be the first time that my HP was going to go out of her way and commuting knowledge to come see me. I am that special and she is that awesome. She is also a self proclaimed awkward person, and looks like a lost child when seen alone. You can just imagine how relieved I was when I finally saw her. There was hugging and me hyper shouting like how I usually am with STC people involved. I bet Diego was so scared to see me in my zone. At least he was a sport and took pictures.

HPs ♥

This is not forced... Or so my HP says.

I had to show my planner to my HP, it looked so blank and lacking in color. It was a sad planner.

This is my confession. Hidden behind a My Chem picture. I had to make my HP read it, she was there during my emergency of the heart :(

So the movie was at 2:30 and we were late! It was partly my fault. We were waiting in line at the wrong ticket booth. Gasssshhhh. Arielle Sindac, why? Whhhyy?

Also it was really sad to see that we were the only ones inside the cinema:( Boooo. Why are y'all not watching this movie? We have to do our part to keep independent cinema alive, okay? But whatever. I got to put my feet up on the seat in front of me and watch like I would if I were at home. Don't want to spoil anything, but the movie was so good. I heart that they used music from the local indie scene. And fine, maybe just a little bit about the movie. I really went kilig during the part where Gibbs and Enid were checking out records. Communicating with music :>

Also because of this film I'll be saying, "HIGHFIVEMOFOS!" with one arm raised high. It's the Teddy! high five. I'm going to make it part of my vocabulary and might freak people out. People who know me, you have been warned. I won't hate you if you slowly back away when I enter the room.  

 "HIGHFIVEMOFO!"- TEDDY 

Dominic and Felix Roco #HIGHFIVEMOFO from angnawawala.tumblr.com

After the movie, while we were waiting for the cinema people to give back my battery, I asked Diego to take pictures of me and my Eytchpiiiii. I have no idea what he was trying to do with the "from different angles". Also I bought them ice cream. As a prize. For watching the movie with me.I think I forced them to  =))

Yes.  Yes, I am that uncool #HIGHFIVEMOFO 

While walking back to Central station, I saw that my backpack's pocket was open. I freaked out. I mean, my money was waaaay inside my bag. But it was my id that went missing. The irony. We just watched a film entitled Ang Nawawala and just minutes after I lose my id. I wasn't even sad about the id, the only thing on my mind was what was attached to it. My Domokun keychain. That keychain was a souvenir from my trip with my sister to the States last year. I like owning things that were original and okay, so Domokuns were such a rage now so what was so original about this keychain? Well, it had a mustache okay. And mustaches were sexy. And my sexy stache Domokun was gone. It was like getting your heart broken by a dead boyfriend. He doesn't break your heart by cheating on you or breaking up with you. He just dies. Just like that, my Domokun was gone. It was something I don't think I can ever get over. I will forever be sad.

I was also sad that me and my HP had to part. I had to go back to LaSalle and she had to get home. We were going to ride separate trains and I was going to be sad about Domokun leaving me on my own. Also I had to get a new id asap. God. Who loses her id on the first day of the second term?  

Sorry for the smelly pits. Long sleeves = smelly pits 

This happened. I screamed, "HIGHFIVEMOFO" and people did back away. #HIGHFIVEMOFO

Oh. My. Gerard. What the heck document. But thank you notary public lady. You were so nice.

As soon as I got back to school I went on an Arielle version of the amazing race. I kid you not. I had to get a campus pass, I had to get some document that would inform LaSalle that my id was indeed stolen from a notary public that was about to close, go to the accounting office, go to the registrars office to get my picture taken, had to go back to the accounting office because my e-purse couldn't be accessed, forked over so much moolah and got a receipt. So now all I have to do is wait for three days so that I can get my new id. I kind of wanted to cry by the time I made it to the 5th floor of Velasco building. 

But then people were just so happy, I cannot just mess up their happiness by spreading around my emo and depressed aura. Oh, I also forgot to mention that the new term meant getting to board again. I have come to accept the fact that once you're a GLD baby, you'll always be a GLD baby. I didn't mind that I'd have to go home really late, I'd do even cut off my left hand for this if I had to. That's how much being a part of this means so much to me. I'd sell my spare parts... I am so weird.

GLD brothaaa. He's wearing my not!lola glasses and looks supahfly

DJTs on board. My babe and DJT Jeff.

Bubbles to make me happy. Keep trying, please try harder

Might make this my new hangout. When I feel  sad about my life.  This is a great place to be when I was being emo over my loss. Domokun whyyyyy

DJ Dad being... I don't even know, man. 

RIP apple scented bubbles. This is a representation of my non-existent love life. It just... dies.

Boarding went better than I expected. My partner was the awesome DJ Luke, and I think he can help me with my mess ups. Also I got my order from Little Turp. Will wear this outfit soon.

Gaaahhhh. I'm currently in a place where signal is weird and finding a sari sari store that sells load is so... freaking... hard. At least there's internet. This is worth it.

- >:)