dear cloud: 19

To CLOUD(y with a CHANCE of anything and everything because you will be the child of the girl made of storm),

I want you to love running.

Yes, you heard me, right.

Let me repeat myself: I want you to love running.

And, my dear, I don’t want you to just like it—you’re going to hate me one day for this, but I don’t care, because I am your mother. You have to love running.

And if you don’t, you’ll just have to learn how to love it.

Just like how you should learn and teach yourself to love anything and everything that excites and interests you, anything that catches your eye, everything that catches your fancy.

My darling, only know how to love one way, my way, and now yours.

Two words: Love. Hard.

Love hard, Cloud.

Go big or go home, right?

In school, at work, on stage, in life and especially in love—love like I do. Love like we do.

Love. Hard.

Love so hard you wear your heart, proud and unashamed, be as you as you can be, on your sleeve for the rest of the world to see always, anytime.

Love so hard it sets your heart on fire, makes you burn inside out, hurts you but still transforms you, makes you feel so alive always, anytime. 

Love so hard it changes you, teaches you, challenges and pains you, knocks you off your feet and the air out of your lungs always, anytime.

Love so hard you laugh and you cry, confuses you, makes you smile so bright your cheeks hurt, makes you bawl so bad you feel your soul cleanse itself through every tear always, anytime.

Yes, my dearest, my last hope, my CHANCE, I want you to love.

Love hard always, anytime.

But only second to how much you should love yourself. Again, always, anytime. 

Now back to running.

I want you to love running, Cloud.

I need you to love running.

I need you to run.

I need you to run as fast as you can.

I need you to run as fast as your legs can carry you.

I need you to run as fast, as if you were running your very last, making you run even faster than you know you could, surprising yourself.

Surprise yourself. 

I want you to use your two legs to jump and run, and feel the stretch of your muscles with every stride, allowing you to swing your legs, allowing you to leap and leap and leap, and go even further.

Further away from me if you want to.

Just keep running.

I want you to run and run and run.

I want you to love feeling out of breath, holding your breath, preserving the air inside your lungs, the only way running so hard can teach you.

And I want you to run so hard that you always end up feeling that way—out of breath. So that you live your life looking at the world, allowing anything and everything to steal your breath away at how wonderful it really, truly still is.

Run my dearest, darling, you.

So that when you run and reach the point when you think you’re already out of air to breath, promise me you’ll gather whatever strength you didn’t know was still in you—and then.

Keep running.

Full speed ahead towards the direction of what makes you happy.

Keep running.

Full speed ahead towards the direction of uncertainty and what scares you, and what makes you uncomfortable.

Keep running.

Full speed ahead towards a destiny of your choosing and work twice as hard for.

Keep running.

Full speed ahead towards a life you are allowed to shape into any form, making your own choices and decisions, and owning them.

Keep running.

Full speed ahead towards the best version of you, and continue reinventing yourself over and over again, so you never stop learning.

Keep running.

Keep running.

Keep running.

Keep running and save yourself.

r e c o v e r y: day 59

Hey there,

So... cried a lot last night because of, well, my own doing. As my 🔋 already told me, "See no Evil, etc.", but did I listen? Nope.

So yes, my own doing.

And then, a couple hours later, I cried again early this morning, but rest assured, this morning's cry session was very much a happier one compared to the one last night.

Because, today, I was reminded once again that there are people in my life who want the best for me and try their best to support me, or even genuinely even want to surprise me. And it's crazy because these are people who aren't even blood-related to me, or have known me for years. So yeah, #blessed indeed.

Because I feel really blessed that even if the One has left, in their place I now have the Two. When they left, two people came into my life to restore the balance and are there to keep me sane. Everything I ever felt with my twin flame I realized that I was so lucky because I got a 2-for-1 deal when they both came into my life, filling in the homie-sized hole that was left in my life.

At the start it felt weird to be talking to someone too close to Home, but. 

It felt right. I felt at ease. I felt happy. I felt safe.

Talking to my first 🔋 made me find a safe space. Talking to my second 🔋 makes me happy, especially when I see that she was also happy, and that if I was really lucky, I could make her happy. And when I'm worried, I go back and rant to my first 🔋 and then he tells me what I need to hear, because for some reason, they were always right, and then immediately I am put to ease.

Everything I felt towards my twin flame or Home, I could actually find this in other people, and it wasn't the same, but it was still enough.

It was still enough. 

And that's why I wanted to talk about something very personal today.

Ever since March 9, I have been talking to 🔋 almost on the daily because there are new things I'm trying to figure out about myself. And then when my manic episodes started happening, and already started seeking help and support for my mental health, there were things I sometimes have difficulty telling my parents right off the bat. And sometimes when I'm freaking the fuck out, I don't know how to think and what to do. And that's when I turn to the most gentle of oxen for they were always right.

But aside from that, I have to give credit where credit is due, because I wouldn't be where I am right now, who I am right now, if it weren't for the people who put me here. I owe it to my family who was the perpetual support system, to my friends who are the family I got to choose, and all the people who ever truly believed in me. I have Home, as well as my two 🔋🔋and, most importantly, I also have Cloud now.

But mostly, I owe the positive shifts to myself. To be here now because I chose to be here.

And that I still get to choose.


So I'd like to share another preview about  r e c o v e r y  that tackles my mental health and the Issue.

Ever since I can remember, well, since I was 10 years old actually, I always felt like I never belonged.

Always felt like I was different in a bad way. Always had this urge to leave, because I had this sinking feeling in my gut that I didn't belong no matter what I did, or where I was. Always felt like a stranger in my own home.

I felt out of place, and I just had this constant urge to get away. As a kid, I've always wanted to run away.

Back then, maybe I just had an overdramatic flare, or I just took too much inspiration from adventure movies I watched as a kid.

But when I got into college and studied Psychology, I realized I had suicidal tendencies.

I never really told someone properly about this self-diagnosis, but it was true. I wasn't obsessed with dying  just yet, but I was still suicidal in the sense that I just didn't want to exist, that I wanted to just be away.

And now that I'm much older and very much aware of what I now have, I have actually never felt more myself.

10 year old Arielle was different, she felt it and she was afraid, and she tried to be someone she wasn't.

But.

23 year old Arielle knows she's different, she feels it, and yeah, there are days she is afraid of what can happen should things go wrong, but the Me I am now is very much braver,  even with the Issue and all my issues.

I do admit that I'm not always right, even when I want to be. I also can admit that I'm not as strong as my twin flame, their hella stronger than me definitely. A twin flame is a mirror of who you are, but I know I can't be this person entirely, for what I have is something different and it's what separates me from everyone else and makes me who I am, even from them.

So even if someone owns half my soul, it doesn't make me any less of a person. 

I know who I am now more than ever. 

And especially with this Issue.

It was important to come to terms with having the Issue when Cara had her Bully.

I was afraid of being Cara, of being like my best friend in the end. But I had a resolve, I made a choice, that whatever happens, I will never allow anyone to feel what it's like to lose a best friend to suicide.

Never.

So with that, and if you're still with me, I'd like to share with you a piece I love. 

It's just me getting mad and fighting, as per usual. But it's me fighting the good fight for anyone who's ever felt that they were misunderstood for being who they are. Especially people who are like me, who struggle with the real world and come home having to deal with their own personal Issues, their own Bullies, their own demons.

That no matter what shit we have to deal with on the daily, no matter the heartache and heartbreak, no matter what the Issue does to the chemical balance in your brain, or if the Bully talks you into stepping closer to the edge of the ledge, or if death's just waiting for you around the corner as you cross the street? We gotta keep fighting, because no one should ever take us alive.

For we are still alive. This is our life. We are still alive to keep up the good fight.

This is me still fighting. For you, for You, for Me, and the Future.

I wrote this on a Monday, because on Monday's I try again.


~

April 16, 2018

Monday

I’m Fine, (No,) Thank You

Recently, I get asked a lot: How are you?

Before it was easy to answer. But now those three words are a loaded gun waiting to fire off. At me.

Because no matter what comes out after, doesn’t matter because no one believes me. Not anymore.

That I find it funny that when you used to make up words, when white lies were fine, when you said you’d go home earlier but couldn’t, when you used to lie between your teeth and say: I’m okay?

They believe you.

But when you start being honest, because honesty is the best policy, when you hate being guilty, when you can finally say what you’ve always wanted to say like: Yes, I’m doing okay?

They don’t. They don’t believe you.

So thanks for asking but what’s going on here? 

Because everyone all of a sudden thinks they know me. Thinks they know all about me from what they see.

She seems so fragile so twisted so odd so peculiar so loud so selfish so messed up so different.

So different. So? Why would you want to leave out the rest?

What happened to the other things, like: she seems like she’s strong enough, doing okay, doing much better, she can handle it, she’s doing good, why she’s so brave, so honest, so authentic, so nice, so selfless, you’ve changed a lot, where is all this maturity coming from, why she’s brilliant.

I know I’m brilliant. I have a different shine, I have a different light.

But no one’s really seen it before.

And somehow this makes others nervous, this makes them so afraid that there are people who want to dim this brilliance, snuff out the flame, turn the lights out. 

They shut me down, drown me out, make it dark, turn my light off. 

Turn them off because they don’t like what they see. 

They see me and they see danger.

And they are afraid because of what I can do.

They’re afraid of how my actions can hurt them when I don’t even know them.

They see me as a threat that needs to be destroyed. Sees me as an obstacle that needs to get out of the way, even when I’m not there, not even physically present in the room.

Thousands in attendance, why they were even looking for me, I wouldn’t know, but just because I didn’t show, all of a sudden I’m the talk of the town. And all because they didn’t see me. 

But no. That’s not who you see.

Because when you see me being kind, when you see me being grateful, when you see me saying thank you the only way I know how, when you see me hugging strangers and inviting them to dance? When you see me bow, and sing out loud and jump around because I still can? When you see me having the time of my life, celebrating my tiny successes and my life? When you see me celebrate me for who I am? 

You see something else. 

You saw me, you did. And you didn’t like it.

Because all of a sudden everyone knows enough about me that they can talk about me. And they can talk for me.

And they can talk to me and say, “There’s something wrong.”

Yeah, I know.

That’s why I’m here.

That’s why I’m asking for help in the first place. 

Because I know.

And when everyone’s telling me what I already know, what I’ve always known since I was 10 years old.

From a stranger who I’m supposed to trust, just because they have a few PhD’s between the two of us

From a friend who is more experienced and older than me, tells me she cares but also that I do not know how to listen?

Now who’s being more unfair?

When I know I’m not the victim, but you’re talking to me like I’m about to enter into a lifetime sentence.

I’m still not playing the victim card because I know who I am.

I know I’m the hero because like one I fight all the time. I know I’m the writer of my story, because I’m a work in progress. I know I am different, but that’s what makes me who I am. 

But you look at me and treat me different in all the ways that don’t count.

Like I’m wrong. 

Like I’m a lie.

Like I lie. 

Like I can’t be trusted.

Like I am ugly.

Like I am not worthy.

Like I am my illness.

But I know you really care. I do.

When you worry, when you worry for me, when you are afraid for me.

When you’re afraid of me. 

But no.

I’m tired. 

I’m tired.

I’m tired of proving myself. I’ve been doing that my whole life. Proving my worth, proving that I deserve to still stay, proving that I can be fought for.

But I just want to be me now. Can’t I be me for once? Now? 

And I know, I know okay.

Not because I think I’m always right, I just know because I’m self-aware not delusional.

I’m aware that I am sick. Yes, I’m sick in the head. But that doesn’t define who I am.

If you have a cold you aren’t branded for life when you’re trying to cope and even when you get better. They’ll even sign off your Sick Leave forms for you. 

When you have a headache, you can swallow a pill or two, and no one will judge you for it. They will give you the pill, no prescription needed.

Arielle

When you get into an accident, they rush you to the ER, give you all the medical attention because they want you live, They’ll fix you and then confine you in a hospital because they want you to be safe. Keep you safe until you recover. Because they want you to.

But when I can admit that there is something wrong in me but still can have the strength and the courage to say “I’m doing just fine”, because I don’t want to live in denial, I want to live in the now, and when I have accepted all of me but still is aiming towards my own Recovery? 

No one believes me.

No one.

In the time I needed them to believe me and in me—they don’t.

And I can be as genuine as true as me as I can ever be, but you will only see what you want to see.

What you choose to see.

And I chose for myself too. I get to choose because I can still choose. Because I still have that power to.

I am still free to choose.

And I chose. I chose to see what I want. And that means being able to stand in front of a mirror, to see all my flaws, see that I am broken. Look up and see me, but still say “I am hella cute”, because it took me so long just to be able to say that out loud and really mean it. To be able to say and own, “I am hella cute” even without the mirror, even with eyes closed, because I don’t to need to see it anymore just to believe it. 

And I chose. I chose to see the happiness I found in my life, what I’ve been surrounded by all my life. I used to be afraid because I thought the whole world hated me. I come into every room and think, “Shit, I don’t deserve to be here.”

Felt like a stranger in my own house, the black sheep of my family, the extra chess piece you can kill off at the start of the game because you can.

But I chose happiness anyway. Because I see it, I see it now and so I put on my shoes and chase after my happiness, what makes me happy, because it’s free.

And I chose. I chose who to love, whether or not they deserve it—whether or not you think they are worthy of me. Not everyone is as blessed, are as lucky as me.

I’m sick in the head, but I can still choose who I spend my time and energy on because those are valuable to me. And I have a lot of friends who I consider as family, and I have a family who I can call my friends.

But I will still choose Home, because they redefined what home means for me. I chose Him, because he matters to me. And I am alive because he exists and tells me he still wants me for all of me.

Teaches me to try to love again. Not just Him, but I can love myself again. 

Allows me to really listen to every unspoken “I love you so much” even when it’s not told to me. Even when Home can’t tell me in person, I know how much they still love me even when they can’t say it in words. But I still know His heart, hear it beat for me, because I hear my own heartbeat, because I chose to hear this.

I hear it. 

It reminds me that I am still alive. That I still exist. That I still have a lot to do. That I can be better because I deserve enough for being enough. 

So I keep choosing. Make my choices everyday. Choose to wake up and start over. 

But I will choose what I want and what I know I need.

So don’t tell me that there’s something wrong with me.

Because I know. We know.

We all know.

Because:

We’re crazy, not blind.

We’re sick, but we can still come to work the next day.

We’re tired, but we still make the choice to try again.

We’re trying, because we know we can be better.

We’re trying so hard to be better because we want to.

Be better. 

So thank you though for showing me how much I still matter.

But no, thank you, I won’t allow you to dictate and redefine things for me any longer. Society, schools, governments and even religions have already done enough, I don’t need more people to prove something that’s already been proven. 

No, thank you to misplaced advice. No, thank you for all those times you approached me just to see if I’m still on the verge of breaking down, just to reassure yourself that you’re a good friend. 

No, thank you for all the words I don’t even need to hear, especially “I’m sorry’s”, because I’m tired of hearing that. 

So,

No, thank you.

But all the same. 

I’m doing just fine. Thank you. 

How about you?

dear cloud: 18

Hi baby,

I thought of you today, about the person you could grow up to be.

And I got excited and teary eyed, ‘cause I know you’ll be a handful and you’ll be a crazee kid just like me. But for sure, you’ll be hella smart—and I just know it, because. Well, you’ll be smart, but for sure you won’t get that from me. 

But whoever you become, whatever you’re meant to be, I really hope and pray that you’ll love everything and anything—just like your mommy.

I pray you’ll love music, especially OPM. And maybe you’ll like My Chemical Romance, and even Mayday Parade, and you’ll fall in love with my favorite songs from the Eraserheads.

I hope you’ll love books and reading! But if you don’t, my goodness, I’ll read to you every single night so you’ll love Harry Potter, and comic books, and C.S. Lewis, and fairytales and spooky stories. And if you’re not too sleepy, I hope you don’t mind a few pages of history books, which I will read to you in a way it’ll feel like an adventure and a journey to the past.

I wish you’ll love movies and TV shows. I hope you’ll enjoy Adventure Time, Gravity Falls, Regular Show, We Bare Bears, Steven Universe, and Star vs the Forces of Evil. And like other OG classics, and late-night shows that were my favorites. I hope you’ll love Harry Potter, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings marathons on the weekends, and Pixar and Studio Ghibli movie nights on Friday’s. And I hope you’ll enjoy Disney movies as much as I did, kid, because they made me want to have a happily ever after, no matter what happiness means to me.

I pray, hope and wish for a lot of things because of you, Cloud. But I think that no matter what you’ll grow to love, I know you’ll be strong af, you’ll be hella strong. I feel that you’ll command and demand attention, and lead because you can, but listen and serve because you know what it means to be a true leader. You’ll be lazy, but know when to be hardworking. I know you will be kind and you will put others first, but always second to yourself, because you’ll be an arrogant, dragon for sure. I know you’ll love running and I know how much you’ll love dancing, or at least try to, for there’s a 50% chance that you grow up to have two left feet—like me, but don’t ever let that stop you. I know you’ll learn to love commuting, and train rides and bus rides. 

And my goodness, I can only imagine the places we will go. 

There is just so much in store for the both of us. I feel it. I know it.

Cloud, we’re so far away, but yet, I feel so much closer to you now. Everyday I take another step closer to you. Everyday feels so good, where I just know I’ll be able to hold you in my arms. Everyday I feel a new sense of hope, that no matter what bad shit comes along the way, whatever happens to me, I’ll find a way to you. 

I’ll fight for you with everything I’ve got. And when I’m close to giving up, I’ll pull out whatever strength I didn’t know I still had in me and just.

Yeah. 

I’m never giving up on you, Cloud. 

I love you so, so much.

You make me believe even when I cannot see you. I only have to go out, look up, and see—well, clouds, and there you are.

You make me so happy, you have no idea. When I see baby clothes, or new things, I always think, “I think Cloud will love this, I think Cloud might enjoy this.” And I just burst into laughter, or cry, because it’s so ridiculous, the idea of you, but. You make me happy, you really do. And most importantly,

You make me strong, stronger than I am. I’m not as strong as Home, God knows that. I’m limited, I’m weak, I’m powerless at times even when I want to keep fighting. But, Cloud, you have to know, you make me so strong. You make me believe I can do anything and everything for you. You make me feel like I can turn my weaknesses into my weapons. You drown out all the noise, when people talk bad about me, when things go to shit, you just. You give me this strength. It’s so overwhelming how powerful you are. For when I can’t breathe and on the verge of breaking down, or when I’m suffering from a panic attack, or I’m just in tears because I’m so tired—you’re there to help me pick up the pieces and try again.

And so, I thought of you today, just like every single day, but today I thought of who you could be and where else I could take you, my dear.

And to be honest, I haven’t really planned out the last part yet. I mean, I love planning of course, my dearest, darling, you, but.

Like Home said, We plan the first half and then.

We see what happens.

You’ll be the most awaited adventure and the greatest escape and I cannot wait for you.

Love you, anak. Alam mo ‘yan.

Love, always, anytime,

Your mother

☀️⛅️🌦

We'll Carry On

When I found out about My Chemical Romance disbanding, it came as an utter shock.

Once again, it is by my phone that my world view is rocked. And rocked to the core it was.

I received the news through a text message from a close friend and fellow die hard of the band. Unlike her, I was unprepared for what I was about to read.
I was at the hospital because my youngest brother had inguinal hernia (don't google it unless you have an iron stomach) and access to the internet was the least of my concerns. So when I get the 'IT'S FVCKING OVER' text message, I didn't really know what to believe in anymore.

Probably a few weeks ago, I little birdie told me that her connections told her that My Chem was going to have a concert here in the Philippines. So you can only just imagine how I felt that day. I was saving up for a concert, instead, the separation of my favorite band in the entire world happened.

Saturday, I was on a denial high, I just couldn't accept it. The band had been around for twelve years. I barely knew them when their 3rd album came out. So if I do the math right, give or take I had at least seven years investment in the band I recognized as the one that saved my life.

That was their slogan, that was the banner they held high and marched and carried on in their fictional Black Parade. "This band will save your life", from awkward interview answer to personal lifeline. Those were the words that I held on to and gave as an excuse to everyone who looked down on me and my taste in music. After My Chemical Romance? There was no turning back.

This was the band that really got me into music. This is the band that inspired the weirdest themed outfits from me and the ugliest haircuts. This is the band that allowed me to sing out loud and not care about what people would think. This is the band that said, "you are not alone" and made me believe.

While everyone saw death and dark themes, I saw never forgetting that life was precious and you never know what's going to happen to you. Me and everyone else who listened to My Chem's music knew this. Whether they were part of the MCRmy or were just fans of the music, it didn't matter. We understood every chord, every drum beat, every screeching vocal, every line, every song. It was like everyone who was ever misunderstood, who was ever made fun of finally had someone- had something that stood by them and made it feel like someone really, truly believed in them.


I have to stop here before I start bursting into tears at the thought that there will no longer be new music to look forward to. That I will never get to experience listening to a new album straight for the first time, probably ever. That I never got to watch them live in concert and that in my head I always thought, "There's always next time".

There probably is no next time, and no matter how many times I wished they'd pull a Fall Out Boy three years from now and just make the world a better place with a new album and the promise of touring in my country? It's not going to happen just because I want it to.

The band, the members, the family- they all have different lives now compared to when they were trying to make it out there. They all have their wives and their children and their new projects and comics and music of their own to make. I assume that being in a band was holding them back from their new lives and things that were "more" important than the fans.

But it never really is over. And it's not really the end.

I have a piece of the band in me, and so does everyone else who's been a huge fan, or even those who just know one song, or even those who are only in it because of the physical attributes of certain members.

As Gerard Way put out there, "My Chemical Romance is not a band, it's an idea". The very idea that kick started concept albums and these moving, over the top concept music videos. The same idea that started these great comics and artworks. The idea that saved lives and helped other people realize just how beautiful they were in an ugly world. It just goes on and on and on.

And I can spout references and quote songs all day long, but if I learned anything from this band, if they left me with the great secrets of the universe? It would be the following...


1.) YOU ARE NOT ALONE
- this is a fact of life. And whether I feel lonely in a crowded room, or even a stranger to my own family, I know that someone out there is just like me and I know I'm not the only one.

2.) DISENCHANTED WILL MAKE EVERYTHING 1000 TIMES BETTER
- if you don't believe me, try listening to the song before you're about to do something you're afraid of, or if you're about to do something spectacular. Trust me, it's not just the lyrics, it's not just the music. The song is magic and it will help you get through anything. Job interviews, a tournament, a test, LIFE. Tried and tested, I promise.

3.) "YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE COOL. SO STOP TRYING"
- these words hit me, and it really struck deep. Gerard probably meant that he didn't have to be anyone but himself, but it can also mean that he really thought that he was uncool. Either way, when you really think about it, even if it's beyond the valley of cliche. This was the truth and you better start believing it. You don't need to try to impress anyone, or to prove anything to people you don't even know. Everyone's awkward in their own right, in their own way. But your insecurities shouldn't bring you down.
You can only ever be yourself, so start believing in yourself and get blown away at how awesome it is to just be you and no one else.


4.) "AND REMEMBER WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MCR SAYS START A FVCKING BAND"
- from crazy guitarist to moving writer, Frank never ceases to amaze me. Take that leap of faith, and just do what makes you happy. Create, inspire, save the world.


I will miss Ray's crazy hair and mad guitar skillz, Frank's ability to do crazy guitar tricks and not break anything, Mikey's 360 degree change from that guy with glasses to the hot Way brother, Bob for being so cool even when he left and the song he wrote that went, "Oh Gerard you make my heart burn", and everyone who was part of the My Chem family. Other musicians + techs + bodyguards + roadie guys + wives and kids and supportive relatives included. I will miss all of them, everyone who had a part in the twelve years of this band, this family.
But most of all, I will miss my idol: that awkward geek to 9/11 survivor to stage diva to comic book artist to guy with Ronald McDonald's hair to husband to dad to Party Poison to the guy who saved my life.

Thank you.

"Aim for savior and end up being rad"

- >:)

11:59 PM

I wish you said:

I'M PROUD OF YOU

, instead of:

NO. TELL THEM, THANK YOU, BUT I WILL NOT BE A PART OF IT BECAUSE MY PARENTS SAID SO.

Thank you for the 18 years of my life. You're the best.

My heart gut.

- :(

Long time no write

Hi.

I don't really know what else to say. I'm just pretty overwhelmed at the moment.

Today, I received an unexpected text message while preparing for a speech for my SPEECOM class. While I was trying to cram an almost two page script, my phone vibrated. I didn't want to be distracted, because I suck at giving speeches, especially in front of a lot of people. I have really bad nerves and a tendency to eat my words wasn't any help. But I whipped out my phone thinking it may be something important, or maybe I actually wanted the distraction.

I will never look at my phone- the bringer of the most random news- the same way ever again.

Still overwhelmed. Still nervous. Still need to calm down.

It's almost March, and for the year 2013 I've missed out on a lot of things. We really can't have everything. But for those things that we do actually get a hold of? Be sure to never let go or die trying.

Too blessed to be stressed.

Since it's been a long time since I've touched feelingsmithy, I've decided to mark the occasion.
Here's my speech from awhile ago. I wasn't able to say everything word for word, but I think I got my message across. A lot of people said my topic was interesting, honestly it was really gross.

Let's see what you think.


~


FALL IN LOVE WITH A ZOMBIE
By: Arielle Sindac

Good afternoon everyone, sir. My name is Arielle Sindac and I’m going to give a speech that will probably weird most of you out, because I will talk about the possibility of falling in love with this.

Yes. A zombie. If you really think about it, about the thought of falling in love with this? A corpse, the undead, if you ask me it’s downright disgusting. Can you just picture all that decaying flesh, or can you even picture going near something that’s already rotting? And not only are they way past their expiration dates, these zombies are also out to eat you. Creepy, right?

But the thing is Zombies are monsters. They’re in the same category as vampires and werewolves, but as far as types of monsters are concerned the two are actually more accepted nowadays.
Sure we’ve got vampires who glitter in the sunlight and werewolves with six pack abs. Let’s not forget that it’s the month of February and I believe that zombies, although scary monsters, deserve some of that monster-loving as well. They deserve the chance to be loved and to fall in love. And who knows, maybe under all that rotting flesh, there might be a heart, a beating heart that beats for you.

Anyway, back to zombies. They’ve actually gone a long way to being a part of pop culture. Hollywood has transformed what used to be witchcraft and voodoo to something that markets the horror genre. It’s scary, there’s this fear factor of being chased by hungry flesh-eating monsters. But recently, fiction has provided people with a new form of entertainment. Not only do zombies scare the pants off of people but they actually make people think about the future. What if the world ends in a zombie apocalypse? What’s going to happen? How will we survive?

This zombie invasion scenario has actually thrilled a lot of people. That maybe having zombies around wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Yeah, you may be fighting for your survival and may be humanity’s last hope. But I think the thought of being able to shoot and kill and use weapons has made the zombie apocalypse more appealing to this generation.

So in the likely chance that the world does end this way, I am here to give you reasons on why you should consider having a zombie as a future life partner. Think about it this way. It’s the end of the world, chances are there are less of you and more of them. If that’s what’s gonna come down, I suggest you start thinking of building a loving relationship with the undead.

Take note, this is for the adventurous, crazy types and not for the faint of hearted and those with weak stomachs.

So why are zombies a catch? Well…

1) You know they’re not after looks. .

-          SO to all those complaining about guys or girls who only pay attention to a person’s physical attractiveness, maybe you can give zombies a shot. For one, you know they don’t pay attention to your physique, but what’s inside. The sad part is, it might be literally.

2)      They have unchanging features

-          Once you die, your body just stops growing. SO if you pick a zombie mate make sure that they died at the right age and at the right moment. You don’t want to have a zombie missing par ts or has a knife coming out of his eye. Pick one with immortalized abs and a barely scared face.

3)      You’ll never have this fear of your love one dying

-          Face it he’s already dead. The undead. So no worries in that department

4)       You have your own personal bodyguard

-          Zombies are not only immortal but possess unnatural strength that matches their unexplained undeadness. So if you want to survive, you’ll need a partner that can smash other zombies and protect you.

5)      Zombies can help relieve your fantasies

-          And I’m not talking about sexy fantasies, I’m talking about romantic fantasies. You’ll want a partner in crime, in love and in life. And sometimes we’re all after those rebellious types and a zombie fits perfectly. Your friends and family might think you’ve lost your mind. And your zombie orientation may be frowned upon by society. It’s all going to be you and him/her against the world, eventually

6)      And lastly, the possibility of a zombie to love you back

If there’s anything I learned from watching and reading Warm Bodies, it’s that we may never know what does go on in a zombie’s mind-or what’s left of it. If they had higher cognitive thinking skills, we will never know because of their lack of speech capabilities. Like I said who knows, right?

So your zombie may smell like he hasn’t showered for years or he may have parts missing- these are things you can overlook. He isn’t Nicolas Hoult and he’s not perfect. No one is. But if you give it a chance maybe, just maybe falling in love with a zombie might even help it change back to being human.

So give the zombie a chance to be your valentine. Who knows, it might be that one thing you were waiting for.

- >:)

do some damage

Or maybe damage control.

There are just some things that you just want to keep to yourself. Like you get over-protective because it's just that special and you just want to preserve whatever makes it that special. I get so selfish sometimes without me realizing it, not until I'm thinking it. It makes me feel like a child, a spoiled one, all grabby hands and an annoying voice to go with the usual, "It's mine mine miiiiiiiiine".

I think. I think I'll stop sharing things with you. You get annoying when you think you just know everybody. Or maybe it's just jealousy. I don't know.

Either way, I don't want others to go on claiming this and that. And that. I'll keep my mouth shut for the mean time. Sad times and over-thinking do not mix. There are just a lot of hurts and thoughts of betrayal.

I'm sorry. I'm being mean. But sometimes it gets that bad.

Yes. I think I'd rather keep some things to myself. For now.

But not the music. Never the music. I believe that's something that has to be shared.

- >:)