r e c o v e r y: day 67

Happy Independence Day!

This next piece was written because I was trying to resolve some inner conflict. Because I realized, there were so many things going on in my life, so many answers I still needed to figure out, but I couldn’t get these immediately even if I kept following up so many questions.

And yeah, I know what I needed to do was remind myself, to still have a sense of control of the things I could still manage, so I don’t lose control of the one thing in my life I could actually still. Control. Which was: Me.

So that goes without saying, that this involved me, myself and my thoughts and how to deal with stress and well, a bunch of other things.

This is me trying to solve my own problems. I hope when I share these words with you, I pray you give me the patience to understand where I’m coming from, see all my frustrations to all my limitations when I was raised to feel like I was unlimited—because a lot of people asked me to be as patient as possible because of this Issue, my condition.

So here goes. This is called,

Answers

April 25, 2018

Wednesday

Yo, it’s me.

It’s me again. Sorry to bother you, I know that you busy helping other people out.

But, God, I’m kind of confused. I think a couple of screws might have come loose.

Before I lose myself, can I be real with you this time?

Please.

You see, I have so many questions, things I want to know, want so badly to understand.

And I’m trying to find you and hear your voice, but all I get is silence when I’m already patiently waiting for you still amidst all the chaos and the noise, inside and outside of my head.

There’s a million things I haven’t done, but still want to learn. I wanted to know it all, still want to know it all, maybe I was a know-it-all. Had this drive to know it all, everything and anything I can, because there is a million things I haven’t learned yet—but I could. I know I can.

I know, just knew what I wanted.

And I needed to know now.

I want to know now.

Because there’s so much I need to learn in order for me to grow, in order for me to keep progressing, to know who I am, so I could figure out what I could be, but also so I can know everything about what was wrong with me, and know how I can still be better.

Because I’m not okay. But I still wanna be better.

I wanted better.

But all of a sudden it’s like my life wasn’t mine no more, feels like I’m living in another timeline which wasn’t right anymore, on another level you see, ‘cause all of a sudden people can’t keep up with me. Or maybe they’re the ones living in slow motion, maybe I’m too fast for the rest of the real world, that they can’t even see

Me.

Everyone living life at their own pace, taking their time, taking all the time in the world and it was so frustrating because I was on time.

It’s true: I wasn’t too early, nor was I late. I was right on time.

But no one was getting me up to speed on what I needed to know. What I had to know.

When you want all the answers now, but no one is telling you what you want to hear.

When they’re all tiptoeing, daintily around you, making sure they don’t hurt you, or make you feel uncomfortable, not wanting to trigger you, because they needed to establish rapport too and they had to make sure I could trust them enough just so I can still be honest enough—but they can’t even set timelines?

Yo, that ain’t right. You see I work in advertising, so I’m used to living the fast life. I needed a date, I had to have those timelines set in place so I could manage my time wisely.

‘Cause none of you hear it, but I do. My clock was ticking at an irregular speed, faster than my own heartbeat. And it sounds a little like this.

When everyone’s clock was set like this.

Now, do you see the difference?

Because it’s a sound that’s been bugging me for awhile telling me I need to go now, I need to wake up now, I need to fight now.

And I need timelines for I have a strict deadline, I was working on borrowed time, time that was no longer mine, yo, my brain is on the verge of breaking down, I was deteriorating. So I needed help.

911, what’s your emergency: Hey, it’s me. Can somebody help me out, please? Can anybody help me please?

No?

Shit, line’s dead.

Fine, I’mma just help myself. I’ve been doing that so well for the past 24 years, anyway! I can take a hint! No problem.

Step back a bit, I gotta chill for a second, rewind and then start from the beginning—2000 and 11. Consult my old notes and studies again—oh hey, did I mention, I have a degree in Psychology, by the way. I knew my shit. Three years college education, 9 terms tuition paid in full, at a Top 3 local University, thank you mom and dad for enrolling me in the best school.

Now my blood runs green and white, and my head was still screwed on tight, but even with all the teachings from my teachers, I yearned for more, because these we’re just slides, notes on paper.

So I consulted a doctor. WebMd, my favorite physician and daily magician, for all your medical questions, they got the answers, no need for prescription papers, no paper money needed, no extra charge, just a click and refresh.

And, Oh. My.

I see.

And when you’re matching lines on the internet to the moments in your life when you thought you were doing great, doing just fine— all of a sudden it comes crashing down.

I realize the signs were all in my face, I was doing all the symptoms, I was exhibiting all the signs, even when I felt like I wasn’t overstepping boundaries—I was already losing my mind.

I mean, ever since I can remember I’ve always felt like the odd man out. Like I didn’t belong, like maybe I didn’t deserve to be here. It’s taken me a long time to finally accept me, accept that I had space here.

Me.

But just when I thought I was okay, turns out I wasn’t quite exactly alright anymore. But I know, I know that my heart was never out of place.

I knew I was hurting nobody, knew I was not hating on nobody: no person, no group of people, nobody, nothing. Not a thing. Not even even myself. Because I wasn’t a fan of pain, but I kept getting hurt for some reason....

But maybe that was the first sign—thinking I was not in the wrong, and maybe I was so wrong for thinking I was still right.

And it clicked.

I was crazy.

I was, because I always thought I was. For I believed in fictional magic and magic that could exist in this world—I thought I was magical even. But also I believed in faith and having patience, and trusting the process because everything was a gift.

I believed. I just did, and aspired and set out to do the unimaginable and keep on hoping and wishing for impossible dreams, knowing I could make them come true. To just look up and forward, focusing on the now but looking toward a future I wanted to achieve and grasp. Because I finally knew what I wanted and I realized that I deserved to still have it.

But these apparently, no matter how wonderful in my head, were and could be symptoms.

I was amazed at myself, for suddenly being so goal-oriented, wanting anything and everything for just believing and knowing I did deserve to finally have everything and anything now.

While these were all me but also could-be-symptoms. I knew the signs, I just thought it was all me.

It was still me.

It is.

This mental illness, this disorder, my Issue—is me.

It was now a part of me. And I love me for who I am.

But. I knew there had to be a change on how I loved myself. Knew I had to change how I took care of myself.

And I was deteriorating and fading fast but no one was giving me the answers I needed to hear because I still had a timeline I wanted to follow, a strict deadline that was drawing near, every moment I wasted not figuring out a problem I had to resolve made me feel like I was closer to something far stronger than anything of this Earth. And I needed to know everything about the problem, all the things that could wrong, because solutions couldn’t be drawn because I didn’t know what exactly was so wrong, all I know was that I was the problem—it was me, all along, and I needed answers to questions so badly—like what exactly was wrong with me?

But most importantly: how do I fix this?

How can I fix me, because I want to get better.

I need to get better.

So I consulted. One more doctor.

After all the online self-help articles on coping and managing because I can no longer be treated, I needed help with my management of this brain defect, this mental illness as well as all the stress, and so,

I made my way to the most reliable and unreliable source of knowledge on the inter web—hdoubletpcolondoubleslash.wikipedia.dotcom

I landed on the page and.

Found what I needed to know.

Don’t get me wrong, I know you can’t self-diagnose. I’m still patiently waiting for the analysis and the assessment of my true medical diagnosis.

But since it’s taking a little too long, and I’m a ninja always on the go, I finally have some unvalidated answers that can help me.

Help me help me manage, actually.

So yeah, when you’re sitting in front of a computer screen, not living in denial anymore, but wanting to change things.

Change yourself. So you click refresh

And you do it again. Learn everything and then,

You go again, go ahead and click refresh. Click refresh. And again.

And it’s a cycle.

Click refresh, click refresh.

Like waking up everyday, making a choice, coming to a decision for peace of mind, a new state of mind, and then you begin again.

Put in the work, the real work, on yourself and the one that helps you pay the bills and your meds.

And in between you find happiness, get to pursue what you love, and protect the ones you love, and also yourself—because you love yourself.

And then when the day is over you, fold your hands in prayer, feel a cross around your neck and then you say thank you.

You say thank you, out loud.

You say thank you because you mean it. You say it because you are grateful you had one more day, you had more moments, you had more time.

You say out loud, “Thank you more please” for you had one more day to stay alive, and know that you want more of these everyday’s, because you so badly want to stay alive and live—because I did.

I want to stay alive.

I need to stay alive.

And then repeat.

Click. Refresh.

dying to meet you

Just had the best kimchi, like ever. Seriously good stuff. I have the best bfffff in the world. Saving it for bfast tomorrow.

When I think of Friday, I immediately remember this Thursday. We were heading to the parking lot after spending the entire day at Six Flags. Our uncle who never really spoke a word of Tagalog started singing his on rendition of the song Friday. It went like this: "It's Biyernes, Biyernes. Gotta get down on Biyernes". Dancing was included.

I am seriously psyched for tomorrow. T.G.I.F. is not enough to express just how thankful I am that it's already the weekend. It will be a sort of lonely Friday, but I'll survive. It will be hard, but I'll be alright.

Another reason why I'm looking forward to a few more hours is the fact that I also have fantastic plans. My morning should start out right and my day should end with the BAMF-ing up of my universe. I am commuting to school with The Hamster. It will be too early in the morning, but I can already tell just how much of the funny he will share with me in a few hours. I will also have bfast with my homie. We don't get to hang that much anymore. It's my sched's fault. So there will be take out fries involved. Wait. Is there fries early in the morning? Hmmm... Crossing my fingers.

It's been a week since the EP launch of this amazing band called She's Only Sixteen. Despite me not being able to attend the event, I was able to make sure that I could get a copy of the album. And finally, I will be able to hold it in my hands. Gaaahhh, I wish I had batteries for my walkman. I want to listen to it as soon as I get it from a triplet. Also the EP will be available in music stores. I won't feel so hipster when everyone starts listening to them. Le sigh. But people should know how fantastic they are. It's a small price to pay. But we must do our best to support local music. They are the voice of the people of the revolution. You won't be fooled.

I will save the best for last, so the BAMF-ing will be the best part. The last time I've seen her was last August. I don't know how I survived. It took me so much sheer willpower and guts to make it through the wilderness. Without my BAMF I am nothing, I am nothing without my BAMF. So you can only imagine how excited I am to see her tomorrow. It will involve fries (again) and lots of purikuras at Timezone. It will be so fantastic.

Also I ninja sense that my cheeks will hurt so much tomorrow. Must ready my cheeks for the pinching spree that will go down.

Almost forgot one thing. Hugs. There will be hugs for my huggle buddy. I don't think I will be able to let go. I can do nothing but listen. And be mad. And give virtual text hugs.

But I don't think they are ever enough.

~

Dear Douchebag of the Year Awardee,

Don't break a girl's heart, it's already fragile and precious to begin with. Dudes that are part girls have bulletproof hearts, but a girl's heart must be handled with so much tender loving and care.

Don't mess with a girl's heart because she's willing to give it to you and you wouldn't even need to ask. She'll do it because she can. And because she cares for you that much.

And don't you ever make her cry. Or I will punch you in the face, I will kick you where the sun don't shine, I will give you a German suplex to your left cheek. So don't you dare. If you mess with any of my grrrls?

I will end you.

You better watch out douchebag.

p.s.

What the hell is wrong with you? God.

- >:)

And I'll be here in the morning if you say stay

So I've decided to go on a twitter hiatus. Facebook is out of the question, because no one is old school anymore and this is where school shizz goes down. Everyone just lives off the internet now.

I will spend most of my time trying to get new dance-y tunes in my head, listen to the radio at 2 in the morning (how I missed this), think of interesting things to talk about and to learn how to make chunky bracelets. I am a multi-tasking ninja. Also, hey chores!

Today I was set to do the following:

• bake cupcakes
• buy boxes for cupcakes
• buy ingredients for fifty cupcakes
• be a ninja on a mission to spread happiness

I was asked to bake cupcakes for someone's debut tomorrow. Might even start working on them cupcakes tonight. I've done seventy five before, hope I don't die from this. No rest for the wicked.

~

Friday. Today was Friday. And I wanted to cheer someone up. I was a ninja on a mission. A never-ending mission where it was my duty and way of the ninja to make people happy. For today I was going to try to make someone happy.

I've known this person since high school and she is precious. I think I owe her my soul. Or maybe one of my future unborn children.

I call her Taemin.

Taemin actually is .... hmm... Well, she is precious. And she is also fragile. And I took it upon myself to be the one to tell her that I love her and will forever be in her debt. One, because I really do and two, she also has a pile of letters as evidence of why I must do so in the first place. Very embarrassing evidence of the person I was almost five years ago. It was scarring. I actually read all of it.

It took forever, but I finally found her. It took an MRT ride, the longest jeepney ride of my life, losing P20 to load that was never sent my way aaaand walking. Lots of walking.

But whatevs. I got to spend a day with her. Her dog, Gus, loved me. Or I think he did. He kept hugging my legs, smelling my smelly feet and chewing at my bag (I left Diablo at home, phew!). She fed me with fried chicken and I swam in gravy. We watched music videos and parodies, and we laughed at all the gayness. I made her listen to new music and she made me listen to SafetySuit. They sound nice. She also did my nails and gave me really cool Killjoy nails for my right hand. She is amazing at nail art.

 Killjoy Party Poison inspired nails. Man, she is amazing

Mismatched nails. She did the awesome one, I made the plain one

Me making Taemin a bracelet. Will make her a new one. A better one.

Besides me trying to make her laugh and make a funny, she also helped me remember how much of a douche past!Arielle was. It made me feel like poop. Because past!Arielle was too obnoxious, too full of herself and asked for so much things. Also she was the weirdest person to ever walk the planet and she never always kept her promises. I may be in the level of uncool and emo forever, but I'd rather be that than go back to being.... that. I was embarrassing, oblivious and I ruined people's lives. And apparently broke hearts. An ugly girl who hurt people's feelings without even knowing it. So very, very sad.

Today she kept saying this: "Arielle, you are so paasa". I don't even know why. Is it bad to give people so much attention? Or shower them with affection? Or tell them that if they felt all alone, someone out there loves them? That that person was me? 

Hey, that doesn't sound too bad. It could even be a song. 

But seriously, I am too oblivious and get lost all the time that the ninja title doesn't suit me.

Me + Taemin 

(I'm so thankful we stayed friends, I'm always here- forever making it up to you >:D<)

Oh, who am I kidding. I'm a ninja. I still did get to share the funny and make someone happy. This was what I want to do for the rest of my life. All I want to do is make people happy. 

And maybe dye my hair pink. And meet Spencer Smith.

- >:)

p.s. Must make an entry about last weekend. Too many pictures, but I will try.

June 30

I’m tired. I want to forget everything if I could. It’s not me hating on someone. It’s just me being tired of getting hurt. I’m tired of always having to act like I’m okay, that everything’s just a joke. But it’s not.

It’s really hard to forget someone who you thought was an important part of your life. That every waking moment you had you’d rather spend with that person. It may sound silly, stupid, crazy… but it happened. I’d like to believe that everyone goes through this stage. This stage of the like. Where I’d wait for that person to greet me good morning, to text me. Wait for that occasional call. Where sometimes we’d hang out on our free time. Sometimes I’d get the most random things from that person. We’d go on “adventures”. We'll watch something together, and we wouldn't have to be in the same room to do it. Also we’d just sit at one of our hangouts, and just do nothing but talk about life in general. It was nice, you know. Having someone care, having someone make you feel that you were worth spending so much amount of time for.

It may have seemed like a wonderful thing, something that was actually special. In truth it wasn’t. I was just blinded by how everything seemed to be so dazzling and beautiful when I looked at what we did in that light.

Like for example, how sneaking around became thrilling and exciting. It wasn’t any of that at all. It was supposed to be scary, twisted and wrong. But somehow my brain kept telling me, hey this just seems like a movie. Oh hey, this is really different- this is great.

Like every time we’d try to get away, or find a way to meet in secret, unconsciously I thought it was something that all the Disney films I’ve ever watched made me consider that hey, this just seems like another adventure. That this is love. This is me being with a prince or whatever.

Whatever.

In my subconscious it was something good, fun- something that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Instead of feeling grossed out and disgusted with myself, my brain just made my body do the exact opposite. Actually made me enjoy it- made me think I should. It was far too late before I realized the damage I’ve done, not only to myself, but to everything else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today is June 30, 2012. I don’t know if that person remembers it, but last year, on the same day, this was the first time we actually ever got to talk. Nothing serious. It was just the day he started to text me. It’s so weird how it’s already been a year since that happened. I’d like to say that I’m not affected by this, but if I did then I wouldn’t be saying the entire truth.

It's been a year, but even if things did change somethings still remain no matter how I try not to think about it that way. That Adventure Time will be and would always be our show (I told him first about it). Where I'd still think about that person whenever I watched Captain America, it was the first movie we watched together. How fries was our favorite food. That the 9th floor of this building was like our secret meet-up place and the 2nd floor of this other building was a hangout I stole from him- 'cause I called dibs. That he stole my first kiss at the library. And then I slapped him because I was saving if for someone else. That Marry Me was his song that made him think of me, while Stigmatize would be my song that would make me think of him. That when I see a watermelon I'd remember the name of our fruit-child: Bruce. That there were awkward silences, that lead to awkward hand holding sessions, that lead to embarrassing moments we'd laugh off. Or car rides that always seemed so short and sometimes I just didn't want to go down. And there was this one time, during the typhoon season, he texted me asking if his "asawa" was okay.

They're just stupid things. Things I'd rather forget. Things that shouldn't be special, at all, but somehow became what they are now. Even if it does seem stupid, they did mean something before. Maybe they still mean something else now, I'm just not sure what. There are a lot of other things, but I can't seem to remember them. 

Maybe before the complications of liking someone, before the weirdness of it all, just maybe we could have been really good friends- best friends even. Because that was how it started. Maybe for me. For that person, I really have no idea. I’d like to say that somehow I do miss that person, that a part of me still does, despite everything. Miss the person he was with me, when I was around and no one else. I’d like to think that somehow I made this real difference to this person who maybe didn’t care at all, and just saw me as something else.

But maybe it’s just my brain telling me the exact opposite of what I should do. 

Whatever.